Fear VS Faith

This morning, I read again the story of the resurrection, looking at Mary Magdalene and the disciples and their reactions of unbelief at the risen Jesus. The truth that came through to me was this fact: fear paralyzes you. When you entertain fear, it has a way of filling up your mind and soul and taking over everything.

This past year, I have learned so much about fear and faith, security and trust. I’ll be the first to tell you that it has been a very hard lesson and one that I am still learning, every day. But the learning has been so sweet, and through it, I have found such a precious sweetness with my Savior.

It’s an interesting and exciting thing to pack up all your belongings and move across the world for an indefinite period of time. It’s another thing all together to have visas denied and feeling like you have nowhere to go. I’m still here and I’m still legal (it’s the little blessings that please me) but I know and have known that it is only a matter of time until I have to leave. My situation is just too odd and it often feels that no one wants to make the effort to help us out. It is actually much more complicated than that, and we have made many mistakes along the way since we aren’t familiar with this governmental system, but you can sum it up by saying that I just have a very odd case. (Whoever heard of a 26-year-old, mentally stable and well-educated, choosing to live with her parents with no income of her own? Apparently that makes everyone suspicious.)

When I’m trusting and I’m secure in the knowledge that it is never wrong to trust an unknown future to known God, everything is fine. I’m enjoying the days that I have here while equally anticipating going back to my home country.

But when darkness comes and questions surround and I really don’t have the answers, it is easy to fall into a slippery hole of fear. Just what am I going to do? I’ll admit that I get a little frightened when I start thinking about everything I would have to put into place to move back to the States and support myself. I know I could do it, I can see that end goal, and yet all the little unknown steps in between are what frightens me. When I let the fear get a tiny little toehold in my mind, the questions begin to flood and I just don’t have any answers right now.

The truth is that even if I had to leave today, I have a few different options of places I could stay until I got on my feet. I have lots of friends and family that would be there to help me out and make sure I was okay.

The truth is that I KNOW God has something for me, He just hasn’t chosen to show me yet. It’s possible that this very path of uncertainty and feeling like I’m always one step away from deportation is exactly where He wants me to be – that He has some person for us to meet so that we can share the Gospel with them. I can be certain that He has allowed all this for a reason, and He knows the next thing that I am to do.

What I would like is for the future to be laid out like a carpet, where I can look from above and see it clearly marked out for me. Then I could make plans, and that is what my security-loving heart is craving. Oh, sometimes it seems to burn within me – I just want to know the next step so I can make some plans! Instead, I sometimes feel like I am walking through a dense forest, and it takes so much concentration to not trip over these roots and slide down this slope, that I can’t even look ahead and see if I’m headed for a mountain or a valley.

Every day, it’s a choice for me… am I going to fear or have faith? If I allow fear to come, even for just a moment, it has a way of ruining the day! “Perfect love casteth out fear.” I know that God loves me, and just that knowledge casts out the fear that can be wrapped up in an unknown future.

And honestly? It’s awesome to be here. I live in Africa, folks! I meet some of the most amazing and interesting people, I get to spend my time doing things that I love, I get to be a help to my parents’ ministry, and I’m just enjoying every single day I get to be here. Though some days are harder than others, and there are some days when I just want to board the next plane back to the good ole’ US of A, I know that I’m going to miss this all one day. Living here has changed me.

Just Today

It's Tuesday, a nondescript day towards the middle of a week that is just busy with everyday tasks.

I'm sitting here in my gray hoodie, my favorite one, enjoying the chance to wear it yet again. The weather has been growing cooler in the evenings - good sleeping weather, you might call it. Today I pulled out my duvet filler to insert into the cover, turning it from a 'sheet' to a warmer blanket. The insert was a little dusty from storage, so I washed it, dried it, fluffed it, sprayed it with lavender, then wrestled with it for fifteen minutes trying to insert it into the cover. (Have you ever done that before? Such a frustrating task...) Then I realized that it wasn't the queen-sized insert for my bed, but the king-sized insert for my parent's bed. Oops. We'll try again tomorrow.

I love this time of year in Africa. Warm days, cool nights, good excuses to burn candles and bake things, but warm enough that you can still wear flip-flops. Such a lovely season!

We've had guests here the past few weeks (has it been a month already?), but they are leaving on Thursday. We're looking forward (well, at least I am ;) to a girls' group coming the end of June. They don't know what they're in for!

I'm taking each day one day at a time, just enjoying these moments here. I really don't know how much longer I will have here in this country, although we hope (and pray!) to have a more definitive answer within the next couple weeks.

I've learned a lot about myself these past few months. I notice that as much as I like being flexible and spur-of-the-moment, as much as I can be "it's all about the journey, not the destination", I really don't like it when I feel unprepared. I can take anything on, as long as I know that I have prepared sufficiently for any crisis. Ha! Even when we go away for just a night, I've learned there are certain things that should always be packed - a flashlight, something to eat, a full water bottle, instant coffee, extra contact solution, and bug spray. With those necessities safely stowed in my backpack, I'm ready for anything. But not knowing HOW to prepare... well, it makes me a little nervous. It's hard to mentally plan and prepare when I don't know how much longer I will be living here, or if I will be back in the States looking for work.

The Lord has been teaching me much about trust, leaning on Him, waiting, and expectations. As always, His lessons are always just what I need right where I am at. :) Maybe I will write more about that later.

And now I'm off to collate and staple some more Bible studies and write some emails, as soon as I make a nice cup of spicy hot chocolate. Happy Tuesday!

This Week(ish) in Pics

Carmine Bee-Eater	A new blue mug
Granadilla	Sunset at Shashe
Relaxing at Shashe	She tries her hardest to live up to her ideal
From my front porch	No, she's not dead
Taxi Rank @ Gabs	Smoothie Bar @ Gabs
Queenie	African Miracle Centre
An improvisation of Pretzel "Kisses"	Turkish Coffee
Road Trip - Iced Coffee on the Go	My friend, Priscillah
Plum's the Word	An Evening of No Power

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The Ending of a Day

Every sunset I see in Africa takes my breath away. There really is very little hope in trying to describe one, but if you’ve seen one, you know what I’m talking about.

Sunsets are not some quiet affair, where the sun merely slips beyond the horizon and day is done. No, in Africa, the sun goes to bed with great fanfare, being sure that everyone sees him going. It’s almost like a little child being sent to bed while the party is just getting started. He wants to be sure that everyone in the room knows he is leaving and that he is not happy about it.

But perhaps the sun is not some petulant child, but rather a wise musician who knows the best piece is the finale and makes sure that while some may have slept through the intermediate parts, no one misses the ending.

The sky arranges itself in a positive myriad of layers. You can visibly mark each individual color, almost like sections of cotton candy. Fiery red gives way to brilliant orange, merging into pinks and yellows, fading into purples and periwinkles, robin’s egg blue and teal, spanning up over your head into the perfect shade of deep water blue and into the opposite horizon as stillest, darkest blue.

The sun itself becomes a fiery ball of molten lead, shimmering before your very eyes. The whole landscape changes, becoming mere stick figures of black. The thorn trees remind me of the skeleton of last year’s maple leaf when you hold it up to the sun – every branch and twig clearly shadowed against the ignited backdrop.

You can mark the progress as the sun sinks lower and lower beyond the rim of the earth. Then, almost with an audible sigh, it slips over the edge, his farewell final but leaving behind brilliance and glow for several minutes until that also expires. The sky darkens, the deepest, stillest blue taking over all, and soon the pinpoints of stars twinkle down on you.

As much as one may try to describe the sunset, it is only fitting it with genericness to liken it to such tangible things – a child, a cotton candy stick, a leaf. One can never fully describe the awe that accompanies such a sight, the majesty and overwhelming sense of smallness that comes because of such a scene.

God truly is the best artist of all.

Life Lately

At least, according to some pictures from my phone. It's been a busy few weeks... here's a peek!

Wild cucumbers... we've still not determined if they are safe to eat! (probably not)

Cloud reflections at the Shashe Dam

Firestorm found the sweet spot!

Cool old {rickety} bridge

A plentiful harvest of basil... and now it is all done for the year.

Hhhmm... don't see this every day!

Photogenic tree

Mopani Leaf

Zebra and Impala Cuts... they were yummy in their own way. (I like impala... zebra I could do without.)

I have such an odd collection of things on my desk... I fear (anticipate?) that one day I'll be one of those homeschool moms with bird nests hanging in every room of the house.

Good morning, sunshine!

With Kezhia, perhaps my biggest fan in Botswana. Such a sweetie! I hadn't seen her for several months (they moved to another village), and when we got to their house to visit, she ran out and wrapped her arms around me. 

Oops... photo bomber!

Winter Sunlight, Pt 1

Winter Sunlight, Pt 2

Sewing project... new skirt

Our friend Adam, from Pennsylvania. He and Sam went fishing at the dam several times while he was here. This is just a little catfish, but he caught one that was at least three feet long!

Sun protection at its finest

Ordered Steps

I've been thinking about the two-fold meaning in the verse, “The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.” (Psalm 37:23)

First, there is the responsibility of the good (righteous, Godly) man to make sure that the steps he takes are ordered by the Lord. One who is interested in living right will want to seek God's Word to find the best steps he can take. Every decision that must be made will be decided with the thought, "What does God want me to do?" at the very forefront. Conscientious is the word that comes to mind, because it is implied that it is every step he takes and not just some. This indicates there is a good deal of thought and prayer that goes into each individual step, and over time it becomes apparent that the Lord is the One who is leading, not just the good man.

Second, there is the promise of the Lord that He will order all the steps that the good man takes. In life, it often comes that we find ourselves walking in paths that we never anticipated. This is not by any fault or choice of our own, but just the natural flowing of life. We are affected by our government, our family, our workplace, our friends. All of these make decisions, sometimes without consulting us, and these decisions cause us to walk down roads that we cannot avoid. But even though that road might be unexpected, God knew all along that we would be there, and He has ordained it to be so. Every situation in my life, good or bad, was allowed by God in order to bring growth in my life (to make me more like Jesus Christ) and to bring Him glory.

Although I need to be looking to make sure that my steps are the ones ordered by God, it is a great comfort knowing that every situation He leads me through is one that He has brought about for my own good. 

I think this may be an article I will write, maybe even one day soon, but for now, this is what I've been pondering over in my mind. I'm interested in doing a little more digging into the etymology of the words in this verse to see why they were chosen. I'll let you know if I come up with anything more. :) 

New Articles in Other Places

Or at least one other place, namely, this month's Grace & Honor.

The wind shakes the windows
startles my focus
makes my heart shiver

Swirling gusts circle
leaving me scared
leaving dust in my eyes

The howling makes me think
this life is dangerous
and best left alone...

Continue reading "In Waiting I Learn"

"Armed with her GPS, her glovebox stuffed with backup maps, and a full tank of gas, Sheila headed for the turnpike. “Ah, I love road trips!” she said, windows down to the spring breeze and her favorite artists singing through the stereo. Entrance ramps ahead, she glanced in her mirror and changed lanes. “WAIT! Where am I going?” she thought."

Continue reading "How to Get Where You're Going (You Have to Know Where)"

Old Meets New

One thing about living in Africa is the contrast of old against new. Many times technology and advances of the first world collide with third world customs and infrastructure. What you get can be a big mess, an exhilarating adventure for a country, and a confusing sort of lifestyle. Take this country, for example.

People carry around iPhones and iPads, yet a good portion of the population still lives without electricity. Those who have money flaunt it when they have it – shopping at stores with price tags that make me feel like I’m shopping on Fifth Avenue, women with jewel-encrusted fingers and name-brand everything stroll down a dusty street with an $2 umbrella to shade from the sun. Donkey carts and BMWs share the road, and no one seems to bat an eye. A great importance is put onto education, and yet it’s not uncommon to meet teenagers who never finish school, barely learning to read and write. Western philosophies and ideas permeate the thinking of the younger citizens, yet when it comes time to settle down and marry, everything is done in the old ancient custom with rituals and labola and the whole family being involved.

Ladies still wear the traditional dresses, some even the traditional wear from along the Namibia/Botswana border – large, full dresses with puffy sleeves and yards of material around their waists, topped off with a matching fabric hat, two ‘horns’ pointing out on either side of the head at least eight inches. You might see a lady in traditional dress one day, and the next she will be in skinny jeans, a tunic top, and strappy high heels.

Modern medicine has made great advances, and one thing this country can boast of is good treatment options for those with HIV, about one half of the population. Yet people still go to the witch doctors as well, buying potions and bones, stones and powders, believing if they pray a certain prayer or drink a certain drink or make a certain journey that their illness will be healed.

And always there are beggars. While those who have it flaunt it, they seem very reticent to share with others, or at least we always feel like we are targeted by the beggars because we are ‘the white people’ and therefore must be infinitely wealthy. Sometimes I want to point to others and say, “I can’t begin to afford the clothes that she is wearing. Why don’t you go ask her?” There is rarely a day that goes by that someone doesn’t ask for money.

A brand-new, four-lane highway has just been completed outside of town. This beautiful, smooth road surface has wide shoulders, ample lighting, clearly painted lines… all somewhat rare features around here. Driving down this beautiful road, however, you still want to keep your wits about you, because the area is shared with several herds of cattle and goats. Just because it’s modern doesn’t mean it is advanced. :)

So this is the world of old collides with new. I'm sure there are more examples, but I'm having a hard time thinking of them. The longer I live here, the more this seems 'normal' to me and doesn't stand out as different or odd. But as I said, this old meets new is exciting, confusing, and always entertaining. :)

Happy

Or maybe I should say "Blessed."

I'm just brimming over with gratefulness for this simple, beautiful day. Here's why:

-It got cooler last night than it has in a while. I actually slept under a sheet... amazing, I know!
-Cool night means cool morning breezes and we were able to have the windows open to the beautiful fresh air much later than usual.
-A quiet day at home puttering around to tend to many things that needed to be done.
-The power stayed on, the air conditioning worked, and I made a huge pitcher of iced coffee to sip.
-My baby girl dog, Kiara the rottweiler, has not been feeling well for a couple weeks now. We found the problem was a certain plant she was chewing on, so I pulled it all up and she improved, then got worse. Turns out there is a cousin of the original plant that is worse that she started chewing on when we took away the first. I pulled all THAT one out (and a few more for good measure) a couple days ago. She's much more her old self today, jumping around and playing. I hope the poisonous-plant-chewing is now behind us... I don't like to see her sick. :(
-Here's the menu for this evening: pesto made from fresh garden ingredients, grilled sourdough pizza with homeade sausage, and glazed doughnuts still warm from the oven.

All in all, a simple, beautiful day full of good things. :)

Namibia 2012

We took a trip to Namibia. This has long been a dream of mine and you can't imagine how excited I was when all the pieces fell into place. How tragic would it be to be so close (next country over) for so long and never get to visit one of my top ten 'to visit' countries? I'm so glad it worked out and we had a wonderful trip... seeing vast amounts of Africa we had never before visited.

I kept a brief journal everyday, outlining what we did, what we saw, and where we drove. I intended to keep it short, but it ended up a little longer than I anticipated. I'm posting it here anyway, because I know there are a few out there who are interested in knowing every detail about the trip (living vicariously and all that). If you're not interested in reading, you can just look at the pictures. ;) This is a somewhat long and picture-heavy post, so I've posted it all after the break...